Every episode of [BRACKET!] can be found below in chronological order.
SEASON 12 EPISODES
*FANFARE* We're coming to you LIVE from Pyeongchang for the 2018 Winter Olympic Games! The three least athletic boys you've ever met in your life are ready to sweep some ice, do just an awful lot of skiing, and skeleton straight into the trash can at record speeds! Be sure to enjoy all the sights, sounds, and spirit of the games whi-- oh god. Don't look. It's Shaun White. If you make eye contact, you will turn into stone.
I'm bringing [BRACKET!] back (yea!) with sixteen smash hit singles from 2006! Time travel with us to the Year of the Wii, sync your iPod Video to iTunes, open up the dirty window, and let this list illuminate the words that you cannot find. Also you need to be reminded that George W. Bush wasn't that great. Get in the time machine, Kevin. This is not a discussion.
According to our Slack archive, John first pitched Best Number in 2015, and then proceeded to include it in topic pitches fifteen more times after that. That's a total of sixteen pitches, by my math. We could have done Best Time John Pitched Best Number. There wouldn't have been any room for Halo 2, 420, and Dale Earnhardt though. We'll go back to the drawing board.
Class is in session as Friend of the Show MJ returns to [BRACKET!] for a tumultuous tenured tussle! Sixteen of your favorite teachers from TV, Movies, and The Adventures of Shark Boy & Lava Girl duke it out in our teacher's lounge from hell to see which fictitious faculty member is top of the class. Also: if someone has seen Cullen, please let us know. His family is worried sick.
The best b-team in the business is taking over the podcast this week while Cullen and Jesse recuperate from MAGFest! Join Dan, Diana, Colin, and Zakira on our own Canterbury Tales-esque trip to the gas station on the corner. We're gonna need you to distract the teen at the county while we fill these 40s with Slurp. Come on don't be a baby just do it.
SEASON 11 EPISODES
Once again, as is tradition, we have summoned the winners of Season 11 to our Bracketorial Battlefield to fight to the death. Sixteen will enter. Only one will join the Bracket Pantheon of Tournament of "Tournament of Champions" Champions. It probably will not be Massachusetts. We also end this season with a fond farewell to one of the founding members of [BRACKET!].
WOW! How great is it to say "Christmas" without worrying about the liberal coastal elites being bussed in to my neighborhood by George Soros to kill my dog and drain my pool? Anyways it's time for a holiday themed episode, so grab a cup of cheer. After this season, you're gonna need it.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but unfortunately we were only able to catch 16 for this [BRACKET!]. Well, actually, we really only caught one. Turns out fishing isn't so much "fun" as it is "the worst thing you can do with your time." The rest we got from various pieces of pop culture and the McDonald's Lemme Get a McPick 2 menu. I got eight Filet-o-Fishs for $20 and change, so eat up.
It's a Cinematic Cult Classic Clash on [BRACKET!] this week as John, Jesse, and Cullen duke it out over...wait sorry. This list says "Treasure Planet" and "Speed Racer." What the hell is this. What happened guys? Did y'all just look at the last sixteen Mondo posters and make a -- FIGHT CLUB!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME
*sniff sniff* oh jeez. Y'all smell that? *sniff* Yeah smells like another stinker from your friends at [BRACKET!]. But wait! What's this? Special Guest, prodigal son, and co-founder of [BRACKET!] Greg L. Mercer joins us this week! And he brought fresh baked cinnamon rolls! Let's take a whiff of -- OH GOD THESE SMELL BAD TOO.
Happy Thanksgiving! We hope you all enjoyed a lovely sundae at the local scoop shop with your family and friends, as is tradition every 4th Thursday in November. Did you all go around the toppings bar and say what you're thankful fo-- okay. We forgot to make this a themed episode. There. You got us. Whoopie. Eat your damn ice cream.
Fun thing about America: there's 16 states. We do a podcast where we take 16 entries and debate about them in a single-elimination bracket. It might be a controversial episode considering the recent territorial tension between STEMtucky and The Under Realm in this new America, but please just remember we had no say in this. You think we wanted North Dakota and Idaho to merge into Thurtagen? WE DIDN'T WANT THIS EITH-- *signal lost*
Now you're playing with Super Power! The fifteen best Super Nintendo games plus Star Fox face off in a Super Sweet 16-Bit Bracket to determine which cartridge is king. If this is your last episode of the show, we understand. Can only push the envelope so far, y'know.
The 90s are back and better than ever as we face sixteen of the most iconic Nickelodeon IPs off in a cartoon clash! We need to wrap up by 9 PM though. Full House is coming on and it's the early episodes where Jesse has a completely different name.
Gonna be honest with you -- at one point, we stop the show to play HQ. I don't know how it happened and I was there for the whole thing. Cullen shows up twenty minutes late and is like "hey heads up we gotta stop at 9 to play this iPhone game" and if I kept it all in the show, it would have been a three hour podcast. None of us won the cash prize, by the way. Stay tuned at the end for a couple Special Announcements!
It's a graveyard smash as Lori Beth Denberg and Steve Starkins from Lost Treasure Of The Valley join us to put a spell on you! This episode is creepy, cooky, mysterious, spooky....you name it. So if there's something strange in your neighborhood, put on this episode, because it's most likely Cullen and he gets easily confused.
Let's watch a Disney Channel Movie with Lucas and Emma from DCOMedy! Sixteen of them, to be exact. For the first time ever, ALL of your favorites are on here! We've got This Horny House, Phantom of the Opera But For Kids, Teen Wolf in March, Teen Wolf in Water, Fingernail Wizards...as John Ryan Abbott would say, "The 90s are back."
It's the (second) most wonderful time of the year! Bring your best flannel and join us around the bonfire for some hot cider. Hey one thing you have to know, though....on your way up here, you're gonna have to drive around this Oktoberfest thing. Whatever you do, do *NOT* stop. They will pretend they're dead in the road -- this is a trick. Do not exit the vehicle, and please do NOT take off your shoes. That's how they get their power. Okay so call me when you get this and we'll see you there.
See, because last week we did "Best Uncle" and so like, this week we're doing Ants. It's one of my favorite jokes, a homophone joke. This is probably the point where Cullen would chime in and say something along the lines of "You can't say that, Dan" but Cullen doesn't write these posts and for damn good reason.
Your four favorite uncles are back at it again! Also they're moving in and living in the basement, the attic, and your childhood bedroom. Look, the situation isn't exactly ideal for us either. You think we want to drive you to school? I'd much rather be out there finding lost treasures and becoming a rock star.
Sixteen of SEGA's anthropomorphic animals go up but only one can come down as the winner of the worst episode idea we've ever had. Follow me through an hour of regrets, set me free from John's deep well of Sonic lore, and trust me that we will escape from this mp3. We all will just have to live and leaHEYBIGCATHEYLITTLEGUYCANYOUTELLMEWHATSINSIDE
Quick question before you start this episode: would you order the baked ziti from Sbarro? Like...and remember, this is just hypothetical...say they had every kind of pizza on the menu ready to go. Just out of the oven, hot and fresh. A veritable buffet of pizza. And sitting at the end of the counter, under a single heat lamp beating down like the summer sun on the side of a barn, is the baked ziti. Would you order it? Weird Q, I know, but you gotta figure out the answer for yourself before you click play.
SEASON 10 EPISODES
It's time once again. Sixteen winners face off in an epic Tournament of Champions [BRACKET!] to claim eternal glory and enter the hollowed grounds of Tournament of "Tournament of Champions" Champions alongside Clone High, Hammerhead Sharks, and *sigh* Dan McKenney.
It's a Brand Battle Royale on this week's [BRACKET!] to determine which corporate conception can always close the deal. Join us as we create our own Flo-sonas, discover the origins (and death?) of Grimace, and revisit our favorite minor-league mascot, Southpaw the Lynchburg Hlllcat.
MJ from Dungeons & Lesbians and Can't Let Go - A Nashville CMT Podcast rolls into town with the county fair, bringing sixteen iconic rides to our Miserable Midway! Get ready to Tilt-a-Hurl with us as we explore the psyche of a traumatized young Dan, jump into some Bullying Machines, and float down a nasty river in a big splinter boat (look out for the camera!).
In honor of America's birthday, we've put together the sixteen best kinds of cake in a dessert duel to the death to determine which slice reigns supreme! Also in this episode is a shocking revelation about the Virginia Dairy Queen, Boston-style birthday cake, and even a musical number.
Fallon from Dungeons & Lesbians joins us to find out whatever happened to predictability and determine which TV theme is the very best like no one ever was! Nobody told you the podcast was gonna be this way, but life is like a hurricane here in Bracketburg. Sit your booty in a floor or in a chair while I tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air. We promise you'll have a yabba dabba doo time.
Okay so let's just be honest with each other here: we forgot about Destiny's Child. And that's a felony. Even worse, we have Ed, Edd, and Eddy on this list *instead* of Destiny's Child, which is a war crime. So now we're on the lamb and looking for a place to crash while this all dies down. If you happen to have a porch or shed we can hide under, please send us an email.
Ka-chow! We threw every Pixar movie released at time of recording (except Cars 2, don't @ me) into our patented Sweet 16 [BRACKET!], turned the dang thing on, and let 'er rip through each 90-minute romp to determine the best of the bunch. Join us on a journey of animated self-discovery where we ponder the morality of Toy Story and rewrite Frasier (classic Pixar buddy comedy) as an anime.
Stand-up comics Vanessa Gritton and Jessica Singer be our guests and help answer two simple questions: which Disney Princess reigns supreme, and if ye had ah chahnce te change yer fayte....wood ye? Join us as we embark on a journey to discover the colors of the wind, change who our reflection shows, go from Zero to Hero, and travel to a galaxy far, far away. Canonically Star Wars now exists in the same universe as Mickey Mouse. Sorry. Not our fault.
Come on down to our Memorial Day BBQ! Returning guest Gabe Silva brought some gout-inducing pulled pork, and Janette Goering picked up a case of ice pops and a whole thing of cornbread. Oh, and you have *got* to try the white-people kimchi Uncle Dan brought. It'll hold you over while Cousin John gets those adult front ribs fired up on the grill.
Coming fresh off the NEXT bus is Special Guest MJ from Dungeons & Lesbians with a Super Sweet Sixteen of the best TV shows to grace the afterschool airwaves! Hop on in to our Pimped out Ride while we hunt down some Catfish, pull some pranks with Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera, and move into a house with seven strangers. The strangers, by the way, include Ozzy Osbourne and Carson Daly.
Cheers, love! The cavalry's here! After an incredibly heated debate, we selected sixteen of Jeff Kaplan's most smoochable heroes to battle it out in what Jesse describes as "the most fucked [BRACKET!] yet." Will justice reign from above, or will it be time to amp it up? Does Roadhog secretly have Daredevil powers? Listen to find out the answers to these questions and more! The more, btw, is John's Evil-Winston fanfic.
Sound.wav's Nell Bailey makes a terrible mistake and joins us for a no-good very bad episode all about everyone's favorite organ: eyes! John summons a Blue Eyes White Dragon while placing a Trap Card face-down. Cullen changes the lyrics, title, and really the whole meaning of Brown-Eyed Girl. Jesse gives Sauron new powers. Dan has regrets.
Billy Gagon from Dingo Dog Brewing Co. returns after a 135 episode hiatus for what may be one of our wildest episodes ever. No, really. Maybe don't start with this one as your first episode. John wills a meme into existence while Jesse tries to reclaim "Doggy-Style" as a hip new phrase all the teens are saying. Cullen takes a deep dive into the Baha Men. Dan is just happy to talk about the 100 Good Deeds of Eddie McDowd.
Special guest MJ from Dungeons & Lesbians joins us princes of the universe for a crazy little thing called [BRACKET!] to pick the Best Queen Song! The gang feels under pressure with so many killer Queen songs, but we somehow manage to break free because the show must go on. If anyone can figure out how to fit "Flash's Theme" into this post organically, they can have my hosting spot permanently.
Abed Gheith returns to kick off Season Ten and help decide which iconic school lunch will be this month's Manager Special. John eats lunch in the bathroom while Cullen feeds people knuckle sandwiches. Jesse finds a surprise inside his chicken patty, and Dan once fished a sandwich out of the trash can and nobody saw EXCEPT MIKE IN SECOND GRADE who just *had* to tell a lunch monitor because he's a little dirtbag.
SEASON 9 EPISODES
The Tournament of Champions is our end-of-season battle royale where the 16 winners of Season 9 face off to be crowned Best of the Season. With only four hosts, there's only one way to break ties: calling random people in our contact lists. No, really. That's a thing we did. I called my brother.
Colin Padgett Arnold, our resident Bestiary expert and co-host of Creature Culture, joins our medieval melee that will separate the orcs from the elves and the merfolk from the WaveRace64s. Honestly this entire bracket is just one big excuse for us to debate Giants vs. Smurfs, slam dunk on some Gorons, and make references to our Dungeons & Dragons adventures. Stick around at the end to prepare for next week's Tournament of Champions!
Dan went to Boston to be with the rats, so Cullen, John, and Jesse recorded a very special episode that definitely did not hurt Dan's feelings at all. Made of steel, that boy. Very large, unwieldy steel. Anyways, now's a great time to pop open some Danimals Drinkable Yogurt while we reflect on TV's greatest dad (Danny Tanner), TV's worst dad (Danny DeVito), and a whole bunch of other white dudes named Dan.
Guys what the heck happened.
We like to think of [BRACKET!] as a judgement-free zone...like Planet Fitness! But less pizza and there's no weird alarm on the wall. When special guest Albro Lundy gets upset with our encyclopedic knowledge of Power Rangers and Captain Underpants lore, he violates the circle of trust we've worked so hard to build. Thought we were friends, dude. Anyways, yes Spider-Gwen is on the bracket. Don't tweet us ever again.
Cameron Kunzelman joins us and 16 of the Best Adventurers on an odyssey to steal the Declaration of Independence! Danger will most certainly be faced head-on while the toughest of choices will be made! Does Link have what it takes to defeat Nathan Drake? Is Bear Grylls a big fat liar? Did Dan seriously believe Dora the Explorer could hear his responses when he talked to the TV? The answers to these questions and so much more await you in Journey To The Center Of The [BRACKET!]. Ask your parents to pick up a copy today!!
Esabelle Ryngin (science cartoonist, entomologist, and co-creator of Bugs and Kisses) joins us to metamorphose this bad podcast into a good one and help decide which of these sixteen entries is the ideal insect! Fair warning: there's a lot of Bug's Life talk. Cullen also picked up an entire anthill and put it in a shoebox under his bed, so that might be uncomfortable to hear about. Just want to make sure we cover all the bases.
[BRACKET!] is like a box of chocolates: about half of 'em are filled with stuff you hate. The other half are palatable enough, like this episode. It could be because special guest Blythe Roberson is here to help pilot this crashing podcast into the Hudson River before we go up in flames hunting for the Tru Tru. You've got a friend in us, listener. We really, really, really, really, really, really, really like you.
Greg L. Mercer, co-founding member of [BRACKET!] and co-host of the Transformers podcast Sound.wav, returns for our birthday party! And he brought sixteen clowns with him. Isn't that thoughtful? Everyone be sure to say thank you to the newest member of the Insane Clown Posse before they all go missing, rapture-style.
I hope y'all are ready to have your minds blown by the incredible audio technology we have at our disposal. After we lost 23 minutes of Jesse's audio, we spent $10,000 on digitally recreating the voice of Jesse Knowles. It's incredible, we can make it sound like Jesse is saying anything. I'm going to have him read the script to Ellen's Energy Adventure ride at Epcot next.
Oh and get ready to talk about some ducks with our good friend and Pokemon Researcher Dr. Alex Roederer.
Comedian and writer Meg Favreau is here to help convince Jesse that you can't call a bowl of plain tortilla chips "nachos." No really. That's a thing we have to do. And we're all going to chip in and do our part to help Jesse overcome this CERTIFIABLY WILD idea. Oh, and Cullen doesn't know what poutine is. Meg shares where you can find the best Nebraskan Cheese Bread. Worth the drive, 5/5 on Yelp.
Special Guest and Very Good KicksMan Chris Kluwe returns to pit bloodsport against laser tag against the laziest game J.K. Rowling could have invented...okay. Woof. I'm sorry. I can't keep writing this episode description pretending we didn't goof this bracket up real bad. And I know you're thinking "Hey par for the course for you chucklefucks" but like....MAN. WOOF. Swing and a miss.
Whoa what are you doing!?! You're supposed to throw it at the Mewtwo! Not...oh my god STOP. Special Guest Abigail Tyson from Adult Swim Games joins us again to completely ruin all of your favorite Pokemon from Red & Blue. Just destroy them. Ravage them from the inside out. Fuck them *up*.
Hello new listener! Maybe don't start with this episode because BOW HOWDY is it a rough one to start with. Our guest went missing this week, so we did the most reasonable thing: recorded ourselves talking about nonsense for about 50 minutes, then doing a 20-minute four entry bracket. Please enjoy this look behind the scenes at what goes down before we start an episode, from building a Best Fictional Sport bracket to John signing up for a Crunchyroll account.
"All of you!" Wow. Harsh. We were thinking, like, maybe Charlie Brown or Eeyore but okay. Special guest Claire Friedman is here with us, so congrats on not taking her feelings into consideration before throwing your sticks and stones. Really expected better from you listeners by this point. Shame on me, I guess.
Please don't feel bad about holding on to hundreds of Pokemon cards for years. Or the pile of Funko Pops collecting dust on your shelf. Or your collection of Doctor Who shirts from Teefury. At least you didn't eat a Yu-Gi-Oh! card live on-air while recording a comedy podcast.
Well, we've only referenced Home Alone Traps about a hundred times in the past, so we might as well give them their own [BRACKET!] to find out which of Kevin McCallister's homicidal tendencies brought to life is the best. Please enjoy our Holiday 2016 episode that doubles as a personal appeal to Daniel Stern and Sean Astin.
SEASON 8 EPISODES
Listen. We're not sure how this Tournament of Champions, our gauntlet where we take the last 16 winners and face them off in a final bracket, turned into PodcAstin with Sean Astin: The Podcast Dedicated to All Things Sean Astin or Other(sam)wise. But it did and we aren't the least bit sorry about it.
Special Guest Alex Jones joins us for a medical melee to determine which fictional doctor is graduating at the top of the class! Jesse teaches us about the real Patch Adams, while Dan fights tooth-and-nail for tossed salad and scrambled eggs. John wonders if Dr. Zaius ever took the Hippocratic Oath.
Colin & Gnollbard from Creature Culture join us to fight fireworks with coffee pots! Cullen sets off an explosion in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Dan straps a tomahawk to a La-Z-Boy. John gets a geography lesson and sets up underground Frankenstein fights.
Gabe Silva (animator at Rooster Teeth) joins us for a getaway gauntlet! Dan sneaks away from the chaperones. Jesse tries out for a reality show but won't tell us which one. John hosts MTV Spring Break Live from the video game conventions while Cullen challenges wolves to a fistfight in the middle of Europe.
Abigail Tyson and Sean Baptiste from Adult Swim's Lunchtime Games join us for a toaster pastry throwdown! Cullen walks us through the Do's and Dont's of consuming toxic items in your pantry. Dan spreads the good word of "Freeze 'Em, Then Eat 'Em!" dessert Pop-Tarts. Jesse champions the classics in his most fired-up episode yet.
It's a controversial companion clash this week on [BRACKET!]. Jesse cooks up some waffles with Chewbacca, while John drops some bees down claymation knickers. Cullen teaches us some famous Dreamworks catchphrases, and Dan throws Samwise into whatever that dumb mountain from the Lord of the Rings is called. Misty Mountain? Mount Doom? I don't know. Don't @ me.
Friend of the show and illustrator Irene Koh returns for our final Spooky Month episode to decide which witch frightens us the most! Jesse REALLY wants to see Blair Witch already, while John recounts his time spent with Wicked. Cullen just wants a sandwich.
Special Guest and skeleton expert Arden joins us to figure out which bag of bones reigns supreme! Cullen hunts for Bigfoot, while John rewatches the ending of Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest. Jesse has to make a tough choice between Manny and Jack Skellington. Dan wants to get off Mr. Bones's Wild Ride.
Special Guest Jessica Michelle Singleton returns to [BRACKET!] to help us with our coagulation contemplation. Cullen destroys a home with fake blood, while John forgets how blood vessels work. Dan tells the true story of the Fox and the Hound and predicts the future.
Special Guests Nell Bailey & Greg L. Mercer from sound.wav join us to kick off Spooky Month, the annual [BRACKET!] tradition of Halloween-themed episodes throughout October. Please enjoy this extra-length episode in which at least 30 minutes are spent on Sonic the Hedgehog and some dude from Harry Potter.
Special Guest Albro Lundy joins us in a corporate conference call clash! John chases after them Duke boys with Nobuo Uematsu's personal choir. Dan tries to outrun the law with Buddy Valastro, while Cullen teaches us about a wrestler who's *thing* was being a cop? Jesse finds an ally to help defend the Treasure Planet OST.
Comic Roulette's Alex Jaffe returns to [BRACKET!] to talk smack about cartoon babies. John describes in detail the Three Sins of Bamm Bamm, while Cullen wants to get wit'cha and take your picture. Jesse is on Tasteless Joke Patrol. Dan is curious what it sounds like when a Pokemon cusses.
Special guest Chipocrite (Paul Weinstein) joins us to hang out the side of our best friend's ride in a heated musical melee! John takes us back to his local skating rink, while Jesse digs out a copy of Disney's Treasure Planet soundtrack. Cullen backs his thang up with Dan in defense of Shania Twain.
Composer and sound designer Emily Meo joins us for an all-out console war. Cullen shares his love of Gex and Bonk. Dan says some hurtful things about Final Fantasy IX, and Jesse 100% agrees with him. Emily sets us free to escape from the city, and John kicks off a new pre-show warm-up.
Special Guest PJ Sykes joins us to get our asses to Mars. Cullen unlocks some bonus features on the Planet Earth blu-ray. Jesse has a fateful encounter outside Planet Hollywood. John cooks up some special spuds, while Dan has a pessimistic outlook on humanity's future.
Eden and Fin from Going Down With Ship join us to let sparks fly and reminisce about high school dates. Dan kicks off a long-term relationship with Mos Def and Jack Black. Cullen scores the USA a Gold Medal in "Proms." Eden and Fin teach us about MTV Dating Shows, and Jesse uses this episode as a therapy session.
[BRACKET!] returns with a crate of fresh blue raspberries from the farmer's market to kick off Season Eight! Cullen takes a crack at some produce with a baseball bat behind the Wal-Mart. John helps peaches learn to use Windows Movie Maker. Jesse gets upset about candy scientists playing Fruit God, and Dan prepares for Spooky Month with the Cranberry Bog Man.